Hmmm, let’s see, what to make fun of this week? Tripping hippies or aggressively drunken morons getting super pumped about the return of state sponsored amateur blood sport? Yeah, that’s a tough one for sure. I mainly bring this up because every year these things coincide and yet, in my feed I see tons of smack talking about Burning Man and pure silence in regards to utterly ridiculous spectacle that is college football worship. Here’s a sample of the Burning Man hate from the appropriately titled Burning Man Hate Week Tumblr (I checked and I unsurprisingly couldn’t find a college football hate week anything):
Artist Spotlight: After suffering a few lineup changes and a hefty decline in public desire for Nü-Metal acts throughout the early 00,s, the members of Powerman 5000 have undergone an ayahuasca charged recalibration and are ready to bring their take on Mountain Dew commercial music to the dusty flats this year. They will be performing their 1999 hit single, “When Worlds Collide”, in its entirety tonight for an aching audience of high concept, yet ill-conceived, cosplayers and House-Goths at the 9-Energies camp, 11:30 PM. Pre-sale tickets do not exist, because no one gives a shit. #BurningMan #burningmanhateweek2016 #burningman5000 #burningmanhateweek #burningman2016 #brc
@lajollabieberfevergoddess69 had this to say about her burn on Instagram:
“OMMMMMMMMMM… g, you guys. My heart is so full right now. I heard about Burning Man from Cosmo’s legendary Top Ten Festivals to Make You a Better Person list, and I can’t freaking believe I’ve never been before! Luckily, Daddy said Kristy and I wouldn’t have to look after the Tahoe house until next week, so we grabbed a Lyft back home in San Diego, and just nine hours later we were tanning and drinking herbal wine coolers on the Playa! It’s soooo magical! This super nice old guy named Yogi Mike has been our spiritual and festival guide, which is, like, amazing. He’s showed us some rockin’ chakras, but it is kind of gross when he invites us into his RV to work on downward dog. Whatever. I can totally feel my enlightenment growing because of all the likes you guys are giving my pics on social media! Tonight we’re going to see a laser light show at the EDMT tent, and I promise I’ll try to send thoughts and prayers to poor people somewhere, because, like, I’m such a better person now. Namaste! #blessednotstressed #lovemylife #onelifetolive #yogaqueen #ommm #meditation #thoughtsandprayers #buddhistsformarley #charity #onelove #yolo”
Look, it’s not like I don’t think there’s something to make fun of with the Burning Man set, it’s just, ummm, you know this is a relatively small fringe thing right? I mainly mention this shit because I went to the Ohio State University and holy god, what goes on there every Saturday during the fall is fucking insane. To give a bit of perspective, Burning Man at its peak attracts 70,000 or so people. Ohio Stadium holds 104,944 and that’s just one goddamn stadium. It’s pretty much always sold out and there are typically another 10 thousand or so folks wandering around outside getting shitfaced drunk in the middle of the day. Also, it’s mostly alumni trying to recapture their lost youth rather than students, which makes the vibe even creepier. Again, this is just one goddamn stadium. Shit happens every week everywhere the entire fall. And that’s just college football.
So wow, you’re so edgy for mocking those crazy hippie types. Look at their funny outfits. Hilarious. Everyone knows they’re supposed to be uniformly decked out in school colors with their faces painted while chugging Miller Lite. How dare they not get wasted on shitty state sanctioned drugs and watch jacked teenagers beat the living shit out of one another like normal people! How dare they! Sort of a metaphor for the failures of the left in general. Oooh, this hippie festival isn’t spiritual or progressive enough for us. Let’s just ignore the fact that it’s not actually that powerful or influential in the grand scheme and help the Christian right trash it. Fine work with all that. What a fantastic use of your energy.