If The Treatment Doesn’t Kill Ya, The Side-Effects Will

I used to live in the woods, and drank directly from a stream.

I hunted deer, fished for salmon, gathered herbs,

Roots and mushrooms for food and medicine.

Life was beautiful.

There was no war.

Everything was fine.

Then I asked my shaman about Zivilization.

Zivilization is a fast-acting, whale-inhibiting steroid that allows you to repeatedly photograph your own face with a telephone.

Zivilization is not for everyone.

Do not take Zivilization if you’ve been diagnosed with an irrational affection for non-profit greenery, as this may impair your ability to push buttons, rape the Earth, pay your taxes, care about football, drive or operate heavy machinery, punch in on time, incinerate Afghan peasant children, and say you were only doing your job.

Abandon Zivilization immediately if you experience any hallucinations promoting the hollow pretensions of materialism, atheism, monotheism, or anthropocentrism, as these may calcify your sensory organs and become permanent.

Seek your shaman if you experience any unusual changes in behavior, such as vicarious tribal identity politics, slavery, commoditization of females, depressed mood or thoughts of suicide whilst under the influence of Zivilization, and return to the forest right away.

In certain clinical trials, Zivilization was shown to cause death in laboratory animals.

Talk to your shaman if you experience any nightmares of existential dread whilst under the influence of Zivilization. These may be signs of a life-threatening reaction.

Zivilization should not be combined with an excess of free radicals. Serious and sometimes fatal reactions may occur, such as the systemic annihilation of conscious life-forms and sovereign ecosystems deemed irrelevant to the everyday concerns of the enlightened imperial petroleum monkey who played golf on the Moon.

Other side effects include:

Cancer, diabetes, suburbs, roaches, rats, dams, plastics, modern art museums, global warming, cable news, factory farms, public relations, debt-slavery, Black Friday sales, mind-control, pesticides, fidget-spinners, assembly lines, patriotism, opiod addiction epidemics, harmless background radiation, cops, billboards, legislators, oil spills, premature ejaculation, nuclear melt-downs, erectile dysfunction, ubiquitous dioxins, the ivory trade, school shootings, antibiotic resistance, sexual predation, political correctness, prohibition of ego-deflating botanical substances, toasters that either burn the toast or barely toast at all, and the agonizing sensation that your soul is slowly being dissolved in the colon of a vast, amorphous parasite- or doesn’t even exist in the first place.

Be here now.

Take charge of your life.

Live in the moment.

Ask your shaman if Zivilzation is right for you.


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Ain’t on no Instagram, neither.

Follow me at: https://turnstonecreations.blogspot.com/

J. B. Turnstone

J. B. Turnstone

The Last Human Lighthouse Keeper at Hamlet's Mill, via https://turnstonecreations.blogspot.com/
High Priest and Highly Reluctant Treasurer of the Alleged Order of the Nettle and the Toad, an Occult Society for Occultists Who Can't Bear to Keep Anything Occulted. Founder and Vice President, Luddite Ornithologists League (LOL). I shan't apologize for being a politically incorrect omnivore.
J. B. Turnstone