‘Universe Shouldn’t Exist,’ Says Nuke Lab with Shiva Mascot

Hold onto your butts.

Our theoretical, particle-smashing friends at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, whose mascot is Lord Shiva the Destroyer & God of Death, have announced that the Universe (and, thus, reality itself) should not, in fact, exist.

Shiva, Dancin' Up a Storm

Shiva, Dancin’ Up a Storm

No word yet on whether the decadent Swiss, who laundered money for both the Nazis and the CIA (and who also provide a private security firm for the Pope and the Vatican Bank!) are planning any direct action that may (ahem) bring this Global Village of useless eaters into neat, orderly compliance with their highly rational conclusions.

Let’s just say I wouldn’t put it past those sweet chocolatey bastards to try, especially considering how mind-mushingly screwy-kablooey the whole quadriplegic square dance of Consensus Reality has become ever since, oh, say, the Mayan Apocalypse.

But I digress.

As is generally the case with CERN, nothing they say makes any sense. Over the course of their inability to distinguish Something!-Everything!-Anything! from Total-Fucking-Void-O’-Nothingness in the all-important quest for satisfactory answers to abstract equations, this clammy collective of Cognac-swishing Type-A Personalities concocted a pair of vaguely-defined (and, apparently, invisible?) magnetic “reservoir traps” for very, very destructive antimatter particles, stuffed ’em into a Pringles can (seriously, you can’t make this shit up) and spent the next 405 days… uh, measuring them.

So here’s the gist, according to the standard model of the Universe.

There’s matter, and then there’s antimatter. In theory, they’re polar opposites. They share nothing in common. And yet, when they were measured in the nuclear Pringles can, they appeared to be perfectly symmetrical. That is, there was no appreciable difference between them.

Put into perspective, this is comparable to some poor Irish monk in a monastery suddenly figuring out, after years of vigorous study, that Jesus Christ and the Antichrist are the same friggin’ dude. It might, understandably, trigger an existential crisis… according to the standard model of Christian cosmology.

See what I did there?

When matter meets antimatter, the grand (theoretical) result is mutual annihilation. And since the (theoretical) Big Bang (theoretically) released equal amounts of matter and antimatter at the moment the Universe (theoretically) ejaculated itself into being, it should’ve (theoretically) destroyed itself as soon as it was born, which is why, according to CERN’s Dr. Christian Smorra, “The Universe should not actually exist.”

[audible sigh]

[audible sigh]

The Universe should not actually exist.

Shiva, I am so sorry. On behalf of Homo sapiens sapiens (the ape so wise, we named it twice!) please, let me offer my condolences. Not even Typhon, nor Tiamat, nor fucking Fenrir would have had the gall to express anything so disgraceful, so disgusting, so despicable, so unabashedly nihilistic. I might even go so far as to suggest that this preposterous presumption represents the pinnacle of pin-headed pomposity within the strange, sordid history of the Milky Way itself.

I’m not usually given to hyperbole, but in times like these, my mind wanders off to the Jurassic Park cafeteria. You know, the scene where Jeff, uh, Goldblum says: “See… the lack of humility… before nature… that’s being displayed here, um… staggers me.”

*Regardless of whether or not the math works

*Regardless of whether or not the math works

Ya see, that’s exactly what we got here. A lack of humility.

The physicists at CERN are so confident that The Standard Model of the Universe is absolutely, irrefutably, 100% correct, that they prefer accepting the demonstrably false notion that nothing “has any business” existing in the first place, as opposed to yielding the slightest effort of contemplation to the notion that maybe, just maybe, their whole curriculum, context, and frame of reference for perception and awareness might be just a teeny, tiny, tad bit incomplete. Or that someone, somewhere, might’ve fucked up the math. Even just a little bit.

If you tweak the intellectually sacrosanct Standard Model of the Universe by the slightest possible fraction of a percent, this Grand Conundrum hits a wall and crumbles like any other invisible accelerated particle.

Honestly, I can’t think of a world-view more repugnant than the claim that the Universe shouldn’t really exist. Of course it should fucking exist! It’s the Universe! That’s what it does! Let’s just settle it, once and for all: the Big Bang Theory is bullshit. Sheer and utter bullshit. Something cannot, under any conceivable circumstances, suddenly spring from Nothing, no matter how much (theoretical) pressure or density was (theoretically) compressed in the vacuum of the void exactly 13.7 billion years ago. By its very nature, Nothing can only be defined as the absence of all potentiality, which would (obviously) have to include the potential to… you know… make Something of its fucking Self.

Poets get it! Buddhists and Taoists, with their depth of sanity bordering on the absurd, they get it too! Anyone who’s ever had a magic mushroom gets it! Shepherds, peasants, coopers, cobblers, butchers, bakers, & candlestick makers… they all fucking get it! It’s not a problem for them! But nuclear physicists? Impossible!!!

If it doesn’t fit neatly into their preconceived, conspiratorially agreed-upon limits of intangible abstractions originating within the neural networks of individually subjective (but self-assertively rational) human minds, then it can’t possibly be true. No way, Jose.

Here’s the kicker, though: intangible abstractions originating in the neural networks of individually subjective human minds are perfectly acceptable as a foundation for perceptions and beliefs as long as they attract a consensus of a large-enough sampling of similar, self-assertively “rational” minds.

Another way of putting that would be: the Herd is never wrong. Alternative suggestions are dismissed either as primitive superstitions at best, or as irrational ravings, at worst. It’s the same disease of what I like to call cognitive flattery that permits the starkly illogical acceptance of the notion that Some Thing & Every Thing spontaneously sprang from No Thing At All just because it happens to “work” within the context of the preconceived notion (or, rather, the agreed-upon conspiracy) of the Ivory Tower’s Elder Elite, hoary-headed and tenured in all their pedantic Pomp ‘n Glory which, in this case, happens to be a very, very big Bang. No, sir. Nothing primitive about that.

The essence of any picture is the frame. Replace (or, in the very least, attempt to re-configure) that frame, and you may witness the shattering of a cozy, consensual context of complacency. By which I mean, a deplorable, lamentable, intellectual laziness.

Which is not Science, no matter how many “peers” review it and concur.

It’s reeks, instead, of Orthodoxy. The bane of All Nature’s Freedom.

And, according to my calculations…

From orthodoxy, comes dogma. From dogma, comes authority. From authority, comes the Thought Police. From the Thought Police, comes a Tyranny of the Imagination.

At which point, beware.

Be very, very ware.


Consider the following quote from Sir Isaac Newton, noted Alchemist:

“That one body may act upon another at a distance through a vacuum without the mediation of anything else, by and through which their action and force may be conveyed from one to another, is to me so great an absurdity that I believe no man who has in philosophic matters a competent faculty of thinking could ever fall into it.”

Scroll through a list of winners of the Nobel Prize for Physics, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything commemorating the discovery of the agency of magnetism.

And that’s because it hasn’t happened yet.


J. B. Turnstone

J. B. Turnstone

The Last Human Lighthouse Keeper at Hamlet's Mill, via https://turnstonecreations.blogspot.com/
High Priest and Highly Reluctant Treasurer of the Alleged Order of the Nettle and the Toad, an Occult Society for Occultists Who Can't Bear to Keep Anything Occulted. Founder and Vice President, Luddite Ornithologists League (LOL). I shan't apologize for being a politically incorrect omnivore.
J. B. Turnstone