“Can I ask you a personal question?” he said. Of course I said yes, in this case. It was a concerned family member coming to me for help about a few adolescent psychics.
“Were you ever an extremely submissive person? To the point where it got you into physical danger?”
“Let me just crack out my knuckles before I type ‘yes’ a million different times,” I thought to myself.
It turned out that the psychics in the family were trying to go to dark alleyways and streets in order to try to get raped. Upon the family of diviners figuring this out and confronting them, one burst into tears, and said “I just want to feel someone feel good hurting me.”
For starters, I can’t fully relate to this situation. I was never conventionally attractive in a way that screamed “helpless”, and therefore was not a good target for people who didn’t know me on the street trying to rape me. With so much Saturnine influence, I was always more likely to give everyone within proximity a “back the fuck off, I can literally see into your soul” stare, or, in my mid-teens, I would be convulsing due to my disposition as a channel. You know, one or the other.
I also didn’t have casual sex, and still don’t really due to the absorption of transmitted information. Having sex for me is more loaded than most people could possibly imagine, and always was. The point is, I couldn’t even fathom having it in order to be self destructive. It was /too/ destructive for me.
Did that mean that I didn’t want physical pain? Absolutely not. I used to physically hurt myself in every way possible in order to try to leave the astral and stop absorbing information. I remember begging people to hit me constantly when I was younger, and when I was older I gravitated towards people I knew would. I would also do stupid things like try to smuggle harmful objects on my person at school, in case I became too far gone later in the day to function.
The only things I felt clearly were other people’s baggage and the physical pain I received from them. I confused other people’s thoughts, feelings, and attraction for my own so heavily that it’s only been in the past year that I’ve been caring about myself getting raped, my boundaries being exploited, and how I used to be a good receiver of abuse.
How did things start changing for me? I distinctly remember what happened. I was at a gas station, sitting in my car next to a man, thinking, “why do I let him treat me this way?”
I answered to myself that it was what I knew and I felt I deserved it. I couldn’t change my own feelings about that. Then I asked myself a question that changed everything. “What if one day we had a baby, would you feel ok with him being around-”
I wouldn’t even let myself finish the sentence in my head before I told him I needed him to fuck off forever. Getting abused was one thing, that was manageable, that was what I deserved for being crazy, but having to feel my own pain coming from someone else’s psyche was what freaked me out.
“The Hypothetical Baby Question” soon became the template for everything that I did.
“Would I want my future child to be taken advantage of in the way I am now?”
“Would I want my future child to be begging people to physically hurt them more to drown out the astral noise?”
“Would I want my future child to live like this? In any aspect of my life?”
The answer was no, and it was fitting that my self-help came from the perspective of someone else entirely, a hypothetical unborn child.
Only through this self-creation of the concept that I might deserve to be treated better than I was helped me to hear my own desires and thoughts.
Empaths, psychics, sensitive people, whatever you want to call it, etc. I have to tell you that if you wouldn’t want an abuser to be around your hypothetical future offspring, you should not want the abuser anywhere the fuck around you. That’s the first notion that comes through before starting to feel yourself and not continuing to be drowning inside the heads of other people.
Latest posts by Sarah Wreck (see all)
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