Santa Exposed: Dozens of Elves Reveal Centuries of Sexual Harassment

The shocking revelations about the uncouth proclivities of Santa Claus threaten to destroy Christmas forever.

“Ho ho ho!” sounds pretty jolly, unless of course you are the three lady elves who have been painting stripes on candy canes for centuries and have to hear Ol’ Saint Nick call you this every time he passes by your workstation.

This has been the case for three elves, but as they and many others have now revealed, that is not even the worst of it.

“There isn’t an elf here who hasn’t been groped, poked and/or soaked by Santa.” says Dunda, a manager in the Wrapping and Ribbon Department. “Those who refused to come forward with the rest of us are probably getting felt up and doinked as we speak.”

Accusations against Santa range from inappropriate workplace speech, all the way to the sexual assault of reindeer. Some of the claims are so egregious we cannot even publish them.

When I asked Cinva, a mechanic in Sled Maintenance & Engineering, what she had experienced at the North Pole, she replied.

“Gross, don’t say that to me. That is what he calls his peener.”

She was referring to ‘North Pole’.

“The Christmas Complex is not even anywhere near the northernmost area of Earth, geographically or magnetically. He just tells everyone that because he thinks its really hilarious to get everybody to refer to his dongsta all the time.”

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