‘Twas the War Upon Christmas

A parody of a Christmas classic satirizing the drama queen protests of Christians.

‘Twas the war upon Christmas, and all through the malls

Not a creature was stirring in those gaudy, cheap halls;

The landmines were placed by the entrances with care,

In hopes that the Christians soon would be there;

The warriors were loaded with rounds of hot lead;

While visions of carnage danced in their heads;

And Marx in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just hijacked culture outside of The Gap,

When out on the food court there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my cover and saw the blood splatter.

Away to the melee I flew like a flash,

Put one in the chamber and set to let smash.

The blood on the floor from the new-fallen Lutherens,

Made a gory display of I took a great humor in,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But an urban assault sleigh and eight robotic killer deer,

With a Presbyterian leader so depraved and craven,

I yelled to the troops, “Open fire, it’s St. Reagan!”

Read the rest of this holiday parody poem at Advanced Dank Unicorn.