The Basic Bitch Who Thought She Was God

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: cults are almost always creepy. Very few exceptions to that rule. Normally they involve shitty religious dudes who claim that god compels them to sleep with much younger women, but not always. As we covered a few months back, sometimes they’re pretty boy narcissists who claim they talk to aliens with an insatiable lust for money. Sometimes they’re insane compulsive liar women with an unquenched thirst for celebrity and posh handbags. A fan of mine actually forwarded me some of Teal’s YouTube videos years ago. I honestly found them unremarkable rather than dangerous but didn’t dig into it much. Fortunately somebody else did. Apparently not long after Be Scofield posted about Bentinho Massaro he got cock blocked from creating his new douche compound in Sedona and has gone missing. We can only hope something similar happens to Teal.

It’s funny because this is actually the second or third article I’ve read about how creepy she is and they’re all written from the perspective that she’s crazy hot. Yeah, let’s not get too carried away there. I’d put her in the run of the mill adult film star good looking category. (From Be Scofield’s Medium Page):

Teal Swan, an emerging cult leader, claims she is a multi-dimensional Arcturian alien working with 11 other aliens in an “intergalactic Green Peace” type organization. She says she has x-ray vision and hearing, that she can inject herself into people’s brainstems to revive them and can hear tectonic plates moving. She has a massive following, many of whom, called “Tealers,” tattoo themselves with her symbol. Teal claims suicide is a “reset button” and that “death is delicious.” At least two of her followers have already committed suicide. Teal also claims to have suffered 13-years of abuse in a child-murdering Mormon Satanic Cult where she was routinely tortured, sewn into a corpse for 12 hours and made to torture other children.

I knew that I wanted to be famous and be on people’s television screens and be on stage. At a cellular level, I knew that I was destined to be a star performer.”

Teal Swan was made to be a star. She’s the sexy, sultry, spiritual, New Age sensation taking the world by storm. From Prague to LA she has captivated audiences with her musings. This sage is a fox and she knows it. Robes or modesty don’t apply. Mrs. Swan is empowered by stilettos and skin tight skirts. Her feminism is found in glitter and gowns. Fast cars, fancy jewels and fabulous hotels are a must. Her mantra is makeup. Her mode is digital. World salvation is in her handbag. Fame is in her blood. Be warned though, dear seeker. Looks can be deceiving. Teal is masterfully using her sexuality and sensual appeal in service of her cult ambitions. She is powerful, seductive and dangerous. The Gucci Guru has arrived. The OS just got a makeover. Cult 2.0 is evolving.

Teal is a part of the ever changing face of modern spirituality. She is hot and bothered for all the right reasons — positive world change and personal transformation. What spiritual America lacked according to her was a glamorous starlet willing to sacrifice everything for the cause. Teal auditioned and got the part. Her character uses the allure of desirability to create a global spiritual movement. And now the reviews have just come in — she’s given the performance of a lifetime. The audience loved it. She’s an incredible actress. She’s so believable, vulnerable and real they report. And the Oscar goes to…Teal Swan for How to Steal a Mind. It’s the heist of a millennium. Audrey Hepburn, eat your heart out.

While other spiritual teachers may consider Teal’s focus on branding and performance to be superficial, she wholeheartedly embraces it. It’s actually a central part of her mission here on earth, “Before I even came down, there was an entire panel of Arcturian beings — 6th dimensional beings — who even chose the way I would look in this life.” We live in an attention based economy. They knew. Teal’s exceptional beauty and brilliant spiritual mind were literally a match made in extraterrestrial heaven.

(Read the rest over at Be Scofield’s Medium page)

Oh, and I know the title should technically be The Basic Bitch Who Thinks She’s God but it just doesn’t sound as good for some reason. Language is weird. Not my fault.

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken is a psychedelic writer, musician, visual artist, filmmaker, Occultist, and pug enthusiast based out of Seattle. He is the author of the books The Galactic Dialogue: Occult Initiations and Transmissions From Outside of Time, both of which can be picked up on Amazon super cheap.
Thad McKraken