Author Archive | Stacie Adams

Jesus, Sodomy, and Glocks

By on July 20, 2010 in News 8

Angry JesusVia the First Church of Mutterhals:

That sounds like a Warren Zevon song from hell, but it’s not. It’s what I saw on someone’s car on the way to work today. Three bumper stickers, right in a row; the first one said Jesus Saves, Obama Spends. The second said Obama is Socializing and Sodomizing America. The third said Body Piercings by Glock.

Let me pull up my favorite arm chair and give this guy a go. I think his choice in bumper stickers has less to do with his distaste for Obama and his policies and more to do with his fervent desire to get reamed long and hard by a Jewish hippie. Of course, that’s really none of my business. But is it appropriate to put your deep seated sexual fantasies on the back of your car?

Also, I thought christians were supposed to be anti-sodomy?… Read the rest

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A Conversation With Mel Gibson

By on July 9, 2010 in News 5

From the First Church of Mutterhals:

Mel GibsonPerhaps you’ve heard that Mel Gibson is not the most pleasant man to live with. There’s been a slew of leaked audio tapes featuring Gibson saying all sorts of horrible things to his former live in lover and mother of his child.

Thanks to my contact in La La land (i.e. a herpetic bum who roots around in celebrity trash for a living), I got my hands on a transcript of the most recent diatribe. Behold:

Mel’s Baby Maker: How are you doing, Mel! It is a glorious day in this most wonderful country and I am glad to be the common law wife of such a dynamic individual!

Mel Gibson: Listen you silly cunt, how many times have I told you, do not look me in the eye when you talk to me.

MBM: I am ever so sorry Mel!

MG: You goddamn should be.… Read the rest

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This Summer’s Most Exciting Reality TV Show: The War

By on June 20, 2010 in News 5

Afghanistan WarVia the First Church of Mutterhals:

I had a brilliant idea this morning. I was watching The Today Show, as I just love a good train wreck, and for once I actually saw a story of legitimate merit. Richard Engel, he of the god-sized balls and really one of the few journalists worth a shit, was on the ground in Afghanistan while US troops fought off Taliban fighters a mere hundred yards away. It was a bloody and hard fought battle, littered with bodies and spent bullet casings. Just the way I like to start my day.

So here’s my grand idea. Let’s get some more big balled mothers on the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan, not armed with weapons, but with cameras. Let’s have a live feed of each and every battle that goes on, and let’s play the best hour of carnage in primetime, and let’s make it mandatory viewing for every American.… Read the rest

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The Diseased Mind of Sarah Palin

By on June 2, 2010 in News 25

Palin WinkStacie Adams writing for The Smirking Chimp:

Perhaps you’ve heard about the writer who moved in next door to Sarah Palin? Apparently he is in the midst of some kind of scandalous tell all book about her and has taken up residence in her hometown in pursuit of stories.

Resorting to her characteristic histrionics, Palin immediately took to her Facebook page, that stalwart of serious journalism, to opine just what the writer intended on doing next door. She went on to make some sinister lamentations about him possibly peaking into her youngest child’s bedroom or surveying their ‘swimming hole.’ The writer shot back that her comments were, in his words, revolting. Actually, what they are is libel, and the worst kind of libel, insinuating that this guy, who is of course attempting to dig up dirt on the former governor, is some kind of dangerous pervert.

Palin frequently resorts to the pervert card when criticised or maligned.

… Read the rest

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The Weird Turn Pro

By on May 26, 2010 in News 1

Via the First Church of Mutterhals:

Fame Is DeadAre you tired of being out-weirded by your friends and loved ones? Run out of room in your closet for three wolf t-shirts and multi-colored skinny jeans? Can’t listen to one more track of MGMT without blowing your brains out? Then let me help you be the fucking freak you always knew you could be.

Hi, I’m mutterhals, ordained minister, amateur doctor and all around professional, so obviously I know what I’m talking about. It’s cool to be eccentric these days, although not everyone can pull it off. Hey, it’s not your fault you had a relatively normal upbringing, with no history of mental illness in your family. That’s why I’m here. With my award-winning program, you too can affect a demeanor of effortless cool and devise a cutting edge persona that will get you lauded at the next vegan/anarchist picnic and beyond.

Everyone knows that the key to being cool is discovering things before anyone else does.… Read the rest

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Humanity and Beyond

By on May 7, 2010 in News 5

Stacie Adams writes on Smirking Chimp:
Rocketship X-M

A week or two ago the internets were ablaze with the news that not only did famed physicist Stephen Hawking appear to believe in the existence of life on other planets, but he was also of the mind that we should avoid them at all costs, because in his opinion they would be of the face sucking, giant lizard variety.

Many expressed dismay at his sentiment, but it’s really not that fantastic. Hawking’s theory is that if the universe is infinite, it would make sense mathematically for there to be other life forms in existence at various stages of development. His second point really isn’t that bold either. Why do we, in our limited knowledge, assume that advancement entails humanity?

Look at our species. As we advance, are we becoming more or less humane? And look at our history. We happen upon a new land, and what do we do with the native inhabitants?

… Read the rest

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The Frogman Cometh

By on March 9, 2010 in News 4

S188-27.jpgFrom the Smirking Chimp:

Karl Rove is typically described as a villain of American politics. I prefer the description of deranged psycho killer when referring to him and the underhanded campaign tactics he popularized.

While villains tend to be handsome, dashing men who wield great power and charisma, psycho killers are generally pathetic and broken down little misfits, usually sexually dysfunctional and shunned by society, only to fester in the shadows while flagellating themselves and masturbating to pictures of their mother.

Is that an apt description of Karl Rove? Who the fuck cares, it’s Karl Rove. When did he ever consider the veracity of his claims? This is the man who helped forward a rumor in 2000 that John McCain’s adopted Indian daughter was really an illegitimate child sired with a woman of African descent, a claim so obviously deranged that it says more about the speaker of the smear than the subject.

… Read the rest

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The Perils of Anthropomorphism

By on March 7, 2010 in News 4

Mutterhals writes on the Black Sun Gazette:

That’s a big word up there, but it describes a fairly simple concept. Anthropomorphism is when you attribute human characteristics to non human things and people do it most frequently with animals.

There was a video floating around the internet recently claiming to show a dog smiling when its owner approached. In reality, as many savvy animal lovers pointed out, the dog’s posture indicated fear, as evidenced by its tense expression and down cast tail. Because dogs can’t smile; smiling is a function of certain muscles in the face that dogs simply don’t have.

I know, I’m an evil bitch for throwing a bucket of ice cold logic all over a coo-inspiring video. However, in light of the recent events at Sea World, where an experienced trainer was killed by a killer whale in between shows, it does seem that people fall into to this trap a bit too easily.

… Read the rest

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Utah Aborts Logic and Reason, But They Weren’t Using Them Anyway

By on March 2, 2010 in News 12

Mutterhals writes on the Black Sun Gazette:

For most Americans, science is akin to magic. We don’t know how much of this shit occurs, but as long as everything keeps humming along smoothly we feel some sense of peace. The problem with this state of being is that it allows for all sorts of rival interpretations on things that are basically cut and dry.

I’ve had many arguments with religious types regarding abortion, and most cannot wrap their heads around the fact that the gestating fetus is indeed a part of the woman whose belly it’s in, which seems fairly straightforward. I don’t mean to go all Amazon woman on you, but I have to believe the fervently religious who protest in front of abortion clinics and wish death on doctors who perform the procedure have to be somewhat perturbed that a woman, a lesser being according to their holy bible, is in charge of this impending life.

… Read the rest

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Disgruntled Americans are the New Terrorists

By on February 19, 2010 in News 18

By Stacie Adams at The Smirking Chimp:

Joe Stack, the man who recently flew a plane into an IRS building in Texas, has been described as everything from a true American hero to a ‘lone wolf’ style domestic extremist. However, most are reluctant to brand him with the label of terrorist, although that is the most apt description of Stack and his activities.

I saw a segment on the news this morning where some talking head was going to great pains to distinguish the difference between an act of terrorism and a so called ‘spectacle murder’, which sounds like something he just made up in the green room before he came on.

Apparently Stack’s crime is not considered terrorism because he only meant to call attention to his plight, not terrorize people into changing their lifestyles. Never mind that just seconds before the anchor offered this profundity an excerpt from Stack’s manifesto basically stated exactly that (i.e.

… Read the rest

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