Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin.
When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar.
That’s why there’s new Hypoallergenic Shapeshifting Lizard Skin Cream. Never again spend hours removing crusty nodules from your armoured eyelids or sandblasting your segmented underbelly. Instead, spend your life-cycle on the things that really matter to you: eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star.
Tag Archives | Conspiracy Theory
In Episode #3 of Season Three of Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura, Jesse and his investigative team examine a conspiracy theory torn right from the pages of science fiction literature: the “time travel” conspiracy.
There are various forms of the time travel conspiracy theory, but, in general, the theory contends that the U.S. government has been experimenting with time travel research for decades, and that they may have already successfully developed technologies that circumvent the rules of the space-time continuum.
Jesse begins his investigation by meeting with Alfred Webre (also known as Alfred Labremont Webre), a man Jesse describes as “an Ivy League lawyer, a former white house advisor, a real insider.” According to Webre, the time travel conspiracy is “the deepest darkest state secret that the United States possesses.” Though Jesse seems to have a past with Webre, and treats him with credibility, he seems skeptical that such a conspiracy could exist. … Read the rest
In Episode #2 of Season Three of “Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura,” Jesse and the crew investigate another one of the more enduring conspiracy theories of the last 25 years: the so-called “Death Ray” conspiracy.
This theory alleges that the U.S. government, and now possibly other governments around the world, as well, has developed a super weapon that is capable of destruction ranging from individual assassinations to the nearly instantaneous demolition of buildings and cities.
Different theorists trace the origin of this “Death Ray” weapon to different sources, but Jesse and the crew focus in on the theory that ascribes the development of the Death Ray to 1980’s era “Star Wars” research. President Ronald Reagan, at the height of the Cold War, instituted a program called “Star Wars”, which sought to create a weapon defense system capable of intercepting and destroying missile attacks from foreign enemies, such as the former Soviet Union. … Read the rest
Come on, we all know that if any presidential candidate geoengineered this hurricane via godlike secret technology, it was Mitt Romney. U.S. News & World Report writes:
A number of conspiracy theorists have decided President Barack Obama engineered the mega-storm to secure his re-election. InfoWars.com, TheIntelHub.com, and ConsfearacyNewz all posted stories over the last several days alleging that the The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, or HAARP, helped the president engineer Sandy.
HAARP, a research program managed by the U.S. Air Force and U.S. Navy, studies and conducts experiments relating to the ionosphere, or upper atmosphere. Conspiracy theorists have blamed HAARP for a number of natural events over the years, saying the government uses the Alaska-based program to manipulate the weather with the help of electromagnetic waves.
“Following the ‘perfect storm,'” wrote Infowars’ Kurt Nimmo, “the establishment media will naturally provide all the propaganda Obama needs to sweep the election on Tuesday, November 6, a week after the hurricane is projected to hit.”
… Read the rest
A long-serving CIA agent has revealed a hidden file on the Roswell ‘UFO’ incident that was supposedly found at the site – and says, “It really happened.”
Speaking on the 65th anniversary of the Roswell incident, Chase Brandon, an agent who served 25 years with the agency, said that the information is concealed in a hidden vault within the agency’s Langley headquarters.
“It was in a vaulted area – there was one box that really caught my eye. It had one word on it: Roswell. I rummaged inside it, put the box on the shelf and said, ‘My God, it really happened’. It was not a weather balloon – it was what people first reported. It was a craft that did not come from this planet,” he stated.
For twenty-five years Brandon served in the Agency’s elite Clandestine Service as an undercover, covert operations officer carrying out foreign assignments involving international terrorism, counterinsurgency, global narcotics trafficking and weapons smuggling.
Conspiracy hijinks via Yahoo! News:
… Read the rest
A key witness to the 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy has retracted her official statements in the case and now claims that convicted assassin Sirhan Sirhan did not act alone. Nina Rhodes-Hughes, 78, tells CNN that the FBI “twisted” her original statements to authorities. “What has to come out is that there was another shooter to my right,” Rhodes told CNN. “The truth has got to be told. No more cover-ups.”
Rhodes’ original FBI statement says she only heard 8 gunshots at the time and makes no mention of a second shooter. However, Rhodes, who was just feet away from Kennedy says she never claimed to have only heard 8 shots. “I never said eight shots. There were more than eight shots,” she told CNN. “There were at least 12, maybe 14. And I know there were because I heard the rhythm in my head.” Last November, Sirhan’s attorneys announced they were filing a challenge to the verdict, alleging a conspiracy by authorities in the case.
More proof of the old adages that “no publicity is bad publicity” and “the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence”. Writes Jacques Billeaud at the Huffington Post.
America’s self-proclaimed toughest sheriff finds himself entangled these days in his own thorny legal troubles: a federal grand jury probe over alleged abuse of power, Justice Department accusations of racial profiling and revelations that his department didn’t adequately investigate hundreds of Arizona sex-crime cases.
Rather than seek cover, though, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is seeking to grab the spotlight in the same unorthodox fashion that has helped boost his career as a nationally known lawman.
Arpaio on Thursday unveiled preliminary results of an investigation, conducted by members of his volunteer cold-case posse, into the authenticity of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate, a controversy that has been widely debunked but which remains alive in the eyes of some conservatives. At a news conference, Arpaio said the probe revealed that there was probable cause to believe Obama’s long-form birth certificate released by the White House in April is a computer-generated forgery …
Continued at the Huffington Post