Screaming skeletons, roiling rivers of lava, dozens of demons digging into the flesh of the unrepentant dead. If you want real horror, skip the Stephen King and tune into your local televangelist. Stay tuned for passive-aggressive Jesus at the end.

Wondering if it’s possible to be both a Christian and a participant in the Occupy Wall Street protests? Christian media mogul and top televangelist Pat Robertson clears up this question sent in by a loyal viewer: no, because the protests are of Satan and an attempt to destroy the nation. What a surprise.