After years of secretly monitoring the public, we were astounded so many people would willingly publicize where they live, their religious and political views, an alphabetized list of all their friends, personal emails addresses, phone numbers, hundreds of photos of themselves, and even status updates about what they were doing moment to moment. It is truly a dream come true for the CIA.
You, the readers, told us that the six measly pieces of original art where your favorite Marvel and DC characters reiterate the philosophical jewels of the only celebrity whose veins pump pure tiger blood was simply not enough, and we have heard your demands.
Update: Actually Sheen may be trying to use his new-found superpower for good, the Hollywood Reporter is claiming he’s going to Haiti with Sean Penn.
I have one question: Was James T. Kirk involved with this mission? Via the Onion:
After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.
“I am ecstatic to tell you all today that we have beheld the awesome visage of the supreme architect of the cosmos, and we have murdered Him,” jubilant administrator Charles Bolden said after being drenched with champagne by other celebrating NASA employees. “There have been innumerable setbacks, missteps, and hardships over the past 50 years, but we always stayed true to our ultimate goal and we never gave up.”
“We finally got the son of a bitch!” Bolden continued. “He’s dead! God is dead!”
New Rule: With the Super Bowl only a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, for all the F-15 flyovers and flag waving, football is our most successful sport because the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poor teams … just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin has a population of 100,000. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets — who next year need to just shut the hell up and play.
Now, me personally, I haven’t watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson’s nipple popped out during half time, and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned my eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it – who doesn’t love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving each other brain damage on a giant flat-screen TV with a picture so realistic it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your sister?
It’s no surprise that some 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl next week — that’s 40 million more than go to church on Christmas — suck on that, Jesus! It’s also 85 million more than watched the last game of the World Series, and in that is an economic lesson for America. Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity…
Professor Bem has received a lot of continued attention (see here and here) for his research on ESP. If you’re wondering what all the fuss is about, Stephen Colbert has a unique take on Professor Bem’s research (and they also discuss the significance of the “Colbert Bump”):
TIME Magazine pretty much consigned itself to the dinosaur dustbin of old media when it chose Mark Zuckerberg over Julian Assange for its increasingly irrelevant “Man of the Year” award. Nonetheless, the ridiculous decision did make good fodder for Lorne Michaels’ effervescent team at Saturday Night Live:
Perfectly timed for Christmas and all those other winter solstice religious celebrations, British comedian Ricky Gervais tells us why religion is rubbish, in the Wall Street Journal (you might also want to…
Skywatchers are excitedly awaiting the total lunar eclipse that will occur tonight between 2:41 a.m. and 3:53 a.m. EST, and if you intend to stay awake to watch this amazing sight, then by all means read the Space.com description of the 12 stages of the eclipse. Joe Rao’s article thoughtfully explains what you will see as the moon transits through different portions of the earth’s shadow. I wholeheartedly recommend it — if you want to wallow in astronomical nonsense.
Oh, I’m sure Joe Rao’s piece is backed up by an abundance of scientific facts and observations, if you care to put your faith in such things. But those of us well-versed in the ancient wisdoms know that the real 12 stages of a lunar eclipse are as follows:
1. Faint penumbral dimming of the moon’s disk.
2. Pervasive creeping sensations of unease.
3. Howling of wolves.
4. Unclean things walk the earth; Dick Cheney rises from the grave.
5. Contortion of the zodiac.
6. Intrusion of strange dimensions.
7. Universal gibbering madness.
9. A glimmer of sanity in the chaos.
10. Restoration of Euclidean geometry.
11. Fungal Mi-go from Yuggoth return captive brains to their rightful owners.
12. Applause, followed by waffles for breakfast.