Tag Archives | Jesus

Jesus Shooting Santa

A man in Santa Maria, California has stoked outrage locally with his lawn display of Jesus shooting Santa Claus with a double-barreled shotgun, to protest the lack of attention paid to Christ at Christmastime. Residents are concerned by the scene’s close proximity to a school bus stop. I think it’s healthy for kids to see Jesus “taking out the trash.”

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Jerusalem Tomb Discovery Casts Further Doubt On Turin Shroud

From the Telegraph:

Archaeologists say they have discovered the first known pieces of a burial shroud from the time of Jesus in Jerusalem, casting doubt on the authenticity of the Turin Shroud.

Researchers believe the fabric of the fragments, the first of their kind to be discovered in Jerusalem, are of a different weave to those of the Turin Shroud, hailed by many as Christ’s burial cloth but dismissed by others as a fake.

Radiocarbon tests on artefacts found in the cave, in Jerusalem’s Old City, prove almost beyond doubt that it was from the same time of Christ’s death. It was made with a two-way weave – not the twill weave used on the Turin Shroud, which textile experts say was introduced more than 1,000 years after Christ lived.

Professor Shimon Gibson, the archaeologist who discovered the tomb, said ancient writings and contemporary shrouds from other areas had suggested this design, and the Jerusalem shroud finally provided the physical evidence.

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The Real Jesus Of The Bible: ‘Everything You Know About God Is Wrong’

EYKAGIWcoverThe following is a small portion of the late Ruth Hurmence Green’s “The God From Galilee,” one of 41 articles in the Disinformation anthology, Everything You Know About God Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to Religion, edited by Russ Kick. Other contributors include Richard Dawkins, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Rushkoff, and H.G. Wells.

In this 25-page article, this archetypal gray-haired granny simply reads the New Testament — particularly the Gospels — and reports what she finds about Jesus: his insults and angry words, his deceptions, his impatience, his contradictions, his hellfire and damnation preaching, his braggadocio, his purposely confusing parables, his refusal to heal a little Gentile girl, his failure to condemn slavery, his horrible treatment of his own family, etc., etc. The results will be shocking to most Christians, and even non-Christians will be stunned to learn that everything they knew about Jesus is wrong. Here are some tasty bits from this epic article:

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Jesus bases his ministry upon the assumption that the end of the world is imminent and that he will return shortly and establish the king­dom he preaches.… Read the rest

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New Food Fad: The Jesus Diet

The Daily Mail reports on a hot new way to knock off the pounds: mimicking the diet of Christ. Because the scripture is all about weight loss:

Faith-based diets take the principles of Christianity and apply them to our overwhelming craving for chocolate, chips and cheese.

The trend began in America in the Eighties, but it’s finally taking hold [in Europe], with Christian weight-loss groups springing up, and dramatically increased sales of ‘spiritual dieting’ books such as Hallelujah Diet and The God Diet.

What Would Jesus Eat? author Dr. Don Colbert explains: ‘Jesus ate…lots of vegetables, especially beans and lentils. He would have eaten wheat bread, fruit, drunk a lot of water and also red wine. And he would only eat meat on special occasions.’

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Now in Stores, Spray-On Jesus!

SprayOnJesusFrom Lizz Winstead posted on HuffPo:

Here what we know:

  • Jesus is in a can
  • Jesus is bleeding
  • There’s now 20% more Jesus.

Here’s what we don’t know:

  • How Jesus got in the can.
  • Whether or not Jesus appears when you spray this.
  • Who handles Jesus’s PR. This seems like a horrible misstep in what seemed to be an otherwise promising career.

Whatever this is, it’s hilarious. A google translation of “Aerosol de Poder Atraccion” yields “Attraction Power Spray.” So there’s a chance that Jesus is changing the body-spray game. Hey Axe! Jesus is here, and the ladies can’t resist a man walking on water and smelling good. Check and mate.

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The New Jesus Of Siberia

From the Guardian:

“I am Jesus Christ. It was promised in Israel 2,000 years ago that I would return, that I would come back to finish what was started.”

Meet the Messiah of Siberia, Vissarion Christ, as he is known to his thousands of disciples, who are convinced that he is the reincarnation of Jesus of Nazareth, come back to earth to save the world.

To his critics who accuse him of brainwashing and embezzling his followers, Vissarion is a charlatan [who leads] “a destructive, totalitarian sect”. More prosaically, he is Sergei Torop, a 41-year-old former traffic cop from southern Russia, who moved to Siberia as a youth, experienced his awakening a decade ago, and now leads one of the biggest and most remote religious communes on the planet.

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