Tag Archives | Satire

Irrational Hate the Best Way to Fight Terrorism [Satire]

Following the terrorist attacks in France, President Hollande has declared a merciless war against ISIS. Hollande has said, “I think the best thing to do is react violently to the violence while the public is still filled with an enormous amount of hate. We’ll let the Air Force sort out the rest.” Hollande added, “People make the best decisions when they are emotionally vulnerable, and scared.” 131215132701-01-francois-hollande-1215-story-top

Obviously the world is in a state of mourning with France at this point in time, and the world knows terrorism only occurs inside 1st world countries. The Western countries are infallible actors in all of this, and they would never fund terrorists to destabilize 3rd world countries that don’t support private business interests. If the West did things like that, their corporate-run media would be sure to cover it. The world understands that the only time suffering in the world occurs is when it is covered by the media.… Read the rest

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Dalai Lama Loses Job; Failed the Enlightenment Test [Satire]

Dalai Lama

After not receiving a satisfactory score on his standardized test for enlightenment, the Dalai Lama has been forced to resign. He needed to achieve at least a 90% in order to be considered completely enlightened, but he fell short. He only scored a 73% on the test, which indicates that his majesty was only partially enlightened.

“I am quite embarrassed and displeased with my performance today,” he said to reporters after the exam, “I will do my best next year to attempt to regain my enlightenment. It turns out that I spent too much time meditating, and not enough time studying my enlightenment exam handbook. I lost track of what was really important.”

He says it is okay that he has to resign his post, and he was beginning to feel worn out by the hectic lifestyle of a Buddhist monk. He claims that “sitting around doing nothing gets really hard after a while.”

The Dalai Lama thinks that leaving the title behind may be a breath of fresh air for himself, and he cannot wait to join the hustle and bustle of everyday society.… Read the rest

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Atheists to Hold Cross Burning Ceremony on Christmas

Matti Á (CC BY 2.0)

Matti Á (CC BY 2.0)

Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Neil deGrasse Tyson are going to be leading the charge for a cross burning ceremony on Christmas this year. They want to prove just how irrational it is for people to celebrate Christmas. As usual, it is all about rational thought and science with these folks. “Christianity is the world’s most popular religion, and a cross-burning ceremony on Christmas would teach them a lesson in rational thought,” Dawkins fumed.

After one particular debate, Dawkins said that the “retarded shitball Christian” had said something about the light of “Jesus.” That’s when he had his break through idea: “We just need to spread the light of atheism to them! I rationally thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that the best way to do that would be by burning crosses in their yards. I mean, what could go wrong?”

The intent of this ceremony is to show just how destructive the Christian faith has been to society.… Read the rest

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Why the Mainstream Media Actually Loves Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton in Hampton, NH
Hillary Clinton was humiliated during her time in the white house. We all remember the day that Bill said those infamous words “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” After this, our pathetic, wimpy, puritanical society wanted Clinton impeached. Little did we know that Hillary was going to get the last laugh.

In a press release on Sunday, Hillary reportedly stated her desire to get Monica Lewinski to “suck her dick.” She stated that she was tired of hearing Bill talk in his sleep about “Mawwnica Louinskee, ohhhh Mawwnica.” This has affected the marriage of the Clinton’s, and Hillary feels that by getting her dick sucked, the process of healing will begin.

“I don’t think Bill will mind Monica Lewinski sucking on my thick, veiny, throbbing cock every now and then.” Hillary said to the press. “I imagine that it is quite stressful being the president, and I will make sure that Lewinski is by my side whenever I need a little stress relief.”

The reporters were understandably confused, and when asked if she had a penis, Hillary responded, “Well not really, but it’s bigger than Bill’s.… Read the rest

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Keeping Kids Safe on Halloween

Halloween is a very dangerous holiday for children. Every year, the news reminds the nation-at-large to take some steps to protect children from the psychopathic individuals that seek to harm them. The only surefire way to keep them safe is to keep them inside, but since it’s pretty cruel to ruin an 8-year-old’s good time. (Unless they are your virgin sacrifice, in which case, c’est la vie.) Here are some easy steps that you can take to ensure their fun and safety.

We’ve all heard the stories about razor blades hidden in apples. If someone in your community has decided to pass out apples on Halloween night, it is best to kindly explain to them your concerns. In the meantime, make sure to instruct your children to simply toss the apple away — ideally, directly into the face of whoever is handing that shit out, because that neighbor is an asshole.… Read the rest

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Marijuana Legalization: A Second Thought

marijuana 2
There has been a lot of hoopla about marijuana being legalized in Colorado and Washington. Stoners everywhere are flocking out to these places in search of the fattest, juiciest nugs money can buy. This is in spite of the fact that marijuana hasn’t even been taken off the schedule 1 drug list yet. According to federal law it still serves no medicinal purposes, and it has an addictive potential.

How can we allow this to happen? Do we really think we should just be allowing our state governments to legalize potentially dangerous drugs? I mean I have had friends who became addicted to marijuana, and those were some of the hardest years of my life. Every day it was the same. They would play video games, smoke weed, and eat pizza. Then, they would start blabbin’ on about how weed should be legal, and how they wish their girlfriends liked getting high too.… Read the rest

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Trevor Noah’s master class: It’s not just Fox News — this is the topic that needs Noah, Oliver, Stewart


Sophia McClennen via Salon:

For some time now our nation has counted on satirical comedians like Jon Stewart to entertainingly inform us of major issues we would otherwise ignore.   In an era when mainstream news media constantly fails in its watchdog role and when most politics seems like a circus, satire has played a major role in providing the public with much-needed information in a format that is fun and engaging.  When CNN asks whether Ebola is “the ISIS of biological agents,” we have the perfect proof that mainstream news is more about hype, fear, and spectacle than about information.

We can thank our satirists for helping the public understand the role of Super PACS in funding elections, for exposing the sleaze behind tax-exempt churches, and for consistently hammering Fox News on its lies.  But there is one major news story the satirists have mostly ignored and it’s time to ask why.

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